‘Sharknado 3’: We don’t even know what to say anymore
By Sandra Gonzalez From Mashable
The Sharknado trilogy is an accident born from the internet’s fascinations with movies so bad they’re impossible to look away from. But the third installment of the flying shark franchise, which aired Wednesday night, has made one thing very clear: It’s probably time to look away.
Sharknado 3 didn’t just jump shark, it jumped shark all the way to space. Yes, space.
But before we get there, a brief recap of the plot. (HAHAHA! Plot.)
In the third movie, April (Tara Reid) is pregnant with a throw pillow from IKEA and now has a mini chainsaw for an arm, Fin’s daughter is celebrating her birthday with corporate synergy at Universal Studios, and Fin (Ian Ziering) is off in Washington, D.C., getting a medal from President Mark Cuban.
Things quickly go to hell when a Fin smells a sharknado approaching. Based on his face, sharknados make the air smell like something between a Red Lobster and a toilet. So, a toilet.
Sure enough, a sharknado attacks Washington, D.C., people die, the White House is destroyed and somehow the rest of the world is going on like normal.
The attack in D.C. is only the start of the trouble, though. The entire eastern seaboard is in danger because more sharknados are coming.
To solve this problem, Fin gets help from his old friend Nova, who no one remembers but was apparently in an earlier film. Frankie Muniz is there, too, and he has some crazy solutions that actually end up being useful.
Because Frankie Muniz > legitimate scientists — according to Sharknado.
Too bad he never gets to see his crazy theories come to pass. He dies violently. As do many people, including Jerry Springer, the morning desk at the Today Show and George R.R. Martin.
After the carnage the only natural place to go was clearly space. Yes, space. There were also sharks in space.
I won’t even attempt to explain how we got there because actual scientists would die and all the clapping in the world wouldn’t be able to bring them back to life. Just know that Fin, Fin’s dad and his pregnant wife suited up in the finest Fisher Price had to offer, flew beyond earth’s atmosphere and killed sharks.
But instead of asking the Syfy gods why Sharknado is still a thing, maybe we should wonder why we’re still watching this.
This movie was not just bad, it was bafflingly horrible. Out-of-this-world nonsensical viewer bait. Bad that knows its bad and is so proud of it that it tries to be badder but only succeeds in being sadder.
How much longer are we going to put up with a movie franchise that puts Ann Coulter on TV more than she has to be? Or essentially rips off the ending to Armageddon but replaces Bruce Willis with David Hasselhoff? Or has a scene in which a baby is born inside of a shark crashing down from space?
It has to end.
Let’s all do it together. On five.
1, 2. 3. 4…
IMAGE: Fin, get over it. IMAGE: 2015 SYFY MEDIA, LLC
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