With the world in turmoil, a US Presidential Debate that didn’t live up to its hype, Zika spreading here in the Cayman Islands and my very worst fear – a pregnant woman now infected with the virus, plus a tropical disturbance approaching us already dubbed Monster Matthew, I thought it was time for some humour.

On cue one of our readers sent this to me, and being British, he knew I would relate to it.

Upon reading it, it did make me chuckle and brought back fond memories of a British comedian (cannot remember his name) who turned an Irish letter from a mother to her son into his own routine. He talked slowly like a simpleton wearing a flat hat and he always made me laugh.

First the letter followed by our reader’s contribution that is supposedly true. It is titled “UK Council complaints”. These are homes owned by the local UK District councils where people lived in and paid them a monthly rent for the privilege.

Dear Son, I Am Writing This Slow, ’cause I Know You Can’t Read Fast.

Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, ’cause I know you can’t read fast.
There are a few things happening here at home. We don’t live where we did
when you left — you’re father read in the paper that most car accidents happen
within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the
address because we moved into your cousins old house and they took the numbers
with them so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
The new place has a washing machine! It’s in a small room that also has a
shower in it. The first day, I put four shirts in. I pressed the lever and I
haven’t seen them since.
The weather is nice here. It rained twice this week. Three days the first
time and four days the second time.
Remember that coat you wanted me to send you? Well, your aunt said that it
would be too heavy to send in the mail, so we cut the buttons off and put them
in the pocket.
Monday we got a bill from the funeral home. It said if we don’t make the
last payment on Grandma’s funeral … up she comes …
Your father has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He’s
cutting grass at the cemetery.
Your brother’s wife had a baby this morning. We don’t know whether it’s a
boy or a girl, so we don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle fell in the whiskey vat and drowned. We cremated him. He burned
for 3 days.
Last week 3 of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was
driving and the other two were riding in the back. The driver rolled down the
window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn’t get the
tailgate down.
Not much else. Write more often.
Love,
Mom

P.S. — We would have sent money, but the envelope was already sealed.

UK Council complaints

These are genuine clips from Council complaint letters – so read and enjoy how others put their thoughts into words…

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof… I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces…
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6:00 a.m. his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife…
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2

HUMOUR FIN TIME OUT