By Melissa Martin

If a certain diet worked, everybody everywhere would know about it. Food fads travel around the planet and back. Weight loss scams come and go. You lose money and motivation, but not pounds. Or if you initially lose a few pounds, you gain it back and more. Greedy companies prey on people with phony promises, bogus beliefs, false and faulty research. They recruit fanatic followers. Where’s the science, folks? The fitness industry needs to divorce the fad diet business. We have to be aware of health hype and question dieting madness. 

The following funky diets are a taste of my humorous rederick. So, don’t try them at home. 

Air Diet. You are guaranteed to lose weight. And eventually your life.

Never Crave Sugary Junk Food Again Diet. Scrape the sweet taste buds off your tongue—it only hurts for a little while. Cookies, cakes, and candy no more. 

Natural Grass Diet. Watch out for doggie droppings and pesticides. 

The Colon Cleanse and Organs Detox Diet. Unending diarrhea occurs until the brain and body dehydrate. You lose water weight and any remaining common sense. 

Woodsy Tree Bark Diet. It’s high in fiber. No need for a toothpick after meals, but hard on teeth. 

Island Diet. You munch on tropical plants and slurp banana juice. My cause excessive belching. 

The West Coast Sand Diet. You lay on the beach and drink Marquita’s. I wouldn’t advise it—too harsh on the liver. And too salty. 

The East Coast Rock Diet. You throw rocks into the ocean and eat only what you hit. 

The North American Wings Diet. You only eat animals that fly. The exception is a flying squirrel. No products from the earth’s soil allowed. 

The Metabolism Mania Diet. You wrap up in a tarp and jog for forty days while sucking on ginseng root. Caution is advised on windy days. Naked joggers may be arrested for indecent exposure. 

The Astrological Diet. Look at the stars each night and receive expert alien advice on foods for the twelve zodiac signs. The dieting deities are coming.

The Color of Eyes Diet. Only eat foods that match your eye color. People with blue eyes will have a major problem. 

The Mosquito and Fly Diet. It’s good for the environment, but not so much for humans. And frogs will wage war. 

A Twinkle a Day Diet. A twinkle per day will not keep the doctor away. 

The Bacon, Bacon, and More Bacon Diet. Yes, all you consume is bacon. A bunch of bacon for breakfast. A bag of bacon for lunch. A box of bacon for dinner. It’s a bacon bonanza! Prepare to feel bamboozled and bummed. 

North Pole Diet. You eat Santa’s elves. May cause constipation. 

“There are no foods or pills that magically burn fat. No super foods will alter your genetic code. No products will miraculously melt fat while you watch TV or sleep. Some ingredients in supplements and herbal products can be dangerous and even deadly for some people,” according to a 2019 article by the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. 

There is no holy grail for weight loss. So, stop searching for it. Abracadabra! Patches, pills, and potions make your money magically disappear before your eyes. Say no-no to yo-yo dieting. 

“I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.” 
―Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

How interesting—the word ‘die’ is found in the word ‘diet.’ Take the double dog dare and step away from fad-sad-rad-bad diets.

Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist. She lives in US.