Disemboweled and decorated with scarlet paint, a number of tattoos were discovered recently on a mummified Mayan female in Guatemala’s northern jungle next to carved stucco panels depicting gods, cosmic monsters and serpents. Archaeologists said the panoramic tattoos were estimated to be almost two thousand years old.

Ecstatic at the discovery, tattoo artists immediately cited the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, it will last forever. However, there are others who decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colourful self-mutilation and were very distressed by the discovery. A friend of mine with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told me, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still be here. Now, I know if I want to get rid of it, I’ll have to pay a fortune for plastic surgery.”

The mummy’s bones revealed what at first appeared to be dichotomous lifestyles. Bone evidence revealed that she had given birth to a child, but a variety of formidable looking clubs were also found buried with her making her seem far from motherly. Thinking about this I have come up with a plausible explanation.

My theory is that she regretted having all those tattoos. When she went to her grave, she asked to be buried with clubs so she could ward off any evil spirits who might arrive to apply even more tattoos.