A collection of short essays, rants, real-life stories and commentaries on the woeful state of common sense by H. G. Nowak (The Barefoot Man).

“Things that p*** me off”

“Life is tough but it’s tougher when you’re stupid.”

– John Wayne

“Common sense is NOT a gift, it’s punishment.  Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.”

This book is dedicated to my white dog named “Cat” and my black dog named “Dog”. If most humans were as loyal, appreciative, non-racial and friendly as these two mutts I’d have no gripe about being placed on the wrong planet.

Praise for Life on the Wrong Planet

Couldn’t find anyone to write this part

CONTENTS

I’m not going to break it down in chapters, but the contents of this book are about stupid people, stupid gadgets, stupid rules and stupid laws.

The contents of this book will p*** off stupid people and that is my objective.

Introduction

“Common sense is NOT a gift, it’s punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.”

Somewhere out there in the far galaxies, through the black hole and more than three million light-years away is Planet Coherent. Coherent is an identical twin of Planet Earth. For some reason when Earth and Coherent were born, they were separated. No one knows why or when this all happened except that it happened billions of years ago. Coherent has an Africa, America, Europe, North Pole, Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean and Mount Everest. There are humans, animals and plants – all identical in features to those on Earth. There are blacks, whites, Orientals and Asians. Any professor of astronomy will argue with my hypothesis. However, too often I’ve been asked: “What planet are you from?” This is the usual retort I get whenever I give my opinion on politics, crime and religion. Now, I’m not the least bit insulted when they question my cosmos because they are right – “I am on the wrong planet!”

Here is what I think happened. By some mistake God or a Tiki spirit or a Buddha, or whatever, made a mistake and placed me on Planet Earth. Instead, I should have gone to Earth’s twin Planet Coherent. On Planet Coherent the majority of the beings are rational and logical – not all are rocket scientists or university graduates but most have basic common sense. Mixed along with the Coherents are a small percentage of dunces that belong on Planet Earth. Theses humanoids on Coherent have also been placed on the wrong planet. Now, back on Earth it’s the other way around – the majority of individuals are dense dimwits who are mixed with a very small minority of sound, level-headed individuals who have been misplaced and belong on Planet Coherent. I believe that astronomers are incorrect when they say Jupiter is the largest planet in the universe. Earth must be the largest, as you need a huge planet to hold so many dummies.

So when Jah, Allah, the Almighty – or whoever – realized He put me on Earth instead of Coherent, it was too late. With all their powers, no Great Spirit could reverse the circumstance. Either they null-and-void me completely or keep me here – on Earth – with a bunch of idiots. However, to compensate me for this major setback (that I’d have to deal with all my life), the Maker (whoever he or she may be) rewarded me with a good life. During my first hour on Earth, He looked down upon me and said: “It will be OK, my son. I’ll see to it that you stay reasonably healthy, happy and run-of-the-mill cute. Sorry, I can’t give you handsome, gorgeous or hot – that’s all been reserved for Brad Pitt who will be born 14 years from now. I’ll make sure that most of your dreams come true and that you will always have a lust for pretty women, fine cigars and remote islands, where you can escape the everyday idiotic trends of this planet. This, my son, I bestow upon you for my dire mistake; my mistake of placing you on the wrong planet.”

And that was it… He was gone. I started to scream in baby language, “WHAAAAAAA!” which, translated, means: “Come back here, you traitor! Don’t leave me here on Planet Earth with all these fools. WHAAAAAAA!” My mother was pleased – she held a healthy boy in her arms with obvious good working vocal chords.

And so here I am. I’m not a conservative, a liberal, an atheist or Christian. I am not a democrat, a republican, an independent or socialist. I am not a racist, a bigot or a chauvinist. I am simply a lost, level-headed soul wandering around on the wrong planet. Life has been very good for me on Planet Earth; it’s been a great run. I have never had to experience hard labor, I have traveled the globe, I’ve remained fairly healthy and most of my dreams have come true. However, as the old saying goes, “nothing is perfect”, especially when you’re surrounded by morons. So I’ll repeat what I said just a few pages ago –“Common sense is NOT a gift, it’s punishment. Because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.” And I might add, in my ranting and raving, I’m not only talking about Earthlings with no common sense, I am also talking about things that Earthlings manufacture that make no common sense and many of their rules, regulations and laws. Now, for the moment, let’s not evaluate your common sense, and let’s gauge your sense of humor. If you can’t take a joke or are thin-skinned, a bigot or an overboard religious fanatic – stop reading NOW!

Here we go…

The Stupid Gauge

So for you, the reader, who has read this far, I will give you more of a preview of coming attractions with my “Stupid Gauge”. My gauge is an imaginary instrument used to measure “Ignorancepheric” pressure. Here are some of the more celebrated examples of what’s ahead and another chance to… stop reading NOW!

You can choose what should be high or low on the scale.

Francesco Schettino, the captain of the luxury cruiser Costa Concordia, claims he tripped and fell safely into a lifeboat as his ship was sinking – with 4,000 passengers aboard.

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe declared that he will not put a ban on ivory because elephants took up a lot of space and drank a lot of water. Elephants would have to pay for their room and board with their ivory.

Albuquerque, New Mexico court allows Stella Liebeck to sue McDonald’s after she clumsily spills hot coffee on herself.

Sports hero Michael Vick invests some of his fortune in dog fighting – his stupidity cost him millions in endorsements and legal fees.

Brainless jury members for the O.J. Simpson murder trial.

Cayman Islands Prison: To seize an illicit cell phone from a teen girl, it took nine members of a Special Emergency Response Team (similar to SWAT) to retrieve the phone that was openly visible lying on her bed. The unnecessary use of force was actually retaliation. The teen, along with several other inmates, had written a complaint letter about the guards just 24 hours earlier. The teen was cuffed, bruised and her clothing torn. She required a hospital visit the following day. Later, the prison director was asked to retire early. Usually in such a case this would mean he had no choice – you retire or we fire.

Ohio school teacher Maria Waltherr-Willard claims discrimination due to her fear of children. The case is scheduled to go to court in early 2014.

Did my stupidity gauge offend you? Anger you in any way? How do you think I feel? I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity. If at this point you are offended by my writings, then again, I remind you one last time – stop reading NOW! Pass this book along to someone with a sense of humor; one who is level-headed, sensible and coherent. Did I just say that you aren’t level-headed, sensible or coherent? My ranting and raving, along with my bizarre, insulting, positive attitude, may not solve all the world’s problems, but it will annoy enough of you to make it worth the effort.

Acknowledgments

I want to thank all idiots, numbskulls, hypocritical vicars and corrupt politicians and, of course, the Internet along with Wikipedia for making this manuscript possible. And John and Clair Upperton, two Earthlings who have patiently listened to my philosophy in shock and disbelief… yet we are still friends. They wouldn’t make it on my planet.

I also want to thank Tammie Chisholm and Jenny Gabruch for their editing help – believe me I need the help. And, of course, my lovely wife Regina. I am so glad she is a misplaced Coherent like me or I would have never found her. When it comes to assessing idiots, she and I are two peas in a pod. Can’t forget my friend and author Guy Harrison out in California. Next to Bill Cosby, he is the closest thing to a Coherent that I know. Check out his books at www.guypharrison.com.

When I leave my coastal hiding spot I am quickly encircled with fools; they are everywhere. However, I try to make the best of it. I am very appreciative of everything else – the sea, sun, family and health (health for the moment, that is). My mother taught me appreciation. She would respond to my moaning with the most interesting retorts.

“Mom, I don’t feel good, I have a headache.”

“Oh stop your whining,” she would say. “Some people don’t have a head.”

“Mom, I need some new shoes. I have nothing but holes in this old pair.”

“Oh for goodness sake, hush up, some people don’t have shoes.”

“Mom, I twisted my ankle playing football.”

“Oh shut up, some people don’t have feet.”

“Mom, I hate our neighbors, they’re disgusting people.”

“Deal with them. You could be stuck on another planet.”

And that’s the brash outlook on life I was brought up with. And I’m thankful for it. I appreciate everything… except idiots.

The cover art is by the legendary Michael P. Maness. His artistic work is out of this world, so he is obviously from my planet.

Michael is an eclectic mid-south artist who sees ART in everything, everywhere. His vision evokes his peculiar view of the world: bright, colorful, interesting, with a dash of hope.

Ya’ll live in a perceived box, you color within the lines,

it’s a black, white, grey world, I say open your eyes.

COLOR is an experience, a journey, a trip –

look out for bananas peels, you might just slip.

– Michael Maness

You will find the occasional typo throughout this manuscript and there are a few good reasons for that.

1). This book has been three years in the making. It has been edited a few times, yet during editing, friends, family and the media would bring to my attention yet another humanoid blunder. I would immediately write about it and insert it into the text somewhere, forgetting, or not wanting to pay for re-editing again.

2). Often I was drinking and writing at the same time.

3). Because I’m sure no Random House or Simon and Schuster-class publisher would be brave enough to publish this book… so what does the occasional typo matter?

4). Because I can.

“Believe nothing, no matter what you read unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”

– A Buddha quote

I’m not the only one

If you are an average humanoid that belongs on Planet Earth rather than Coherent, then somewhere along the way while reading this book you will be disgusted, pissed off and will shout out obscenities towards me.

“Who does he think he is?”

“What an arrogant SOB!”

That’s OK. I understand. I ask you, however, to please consider the words of others more famous and intelligent than you and I.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

– Albert Einstein

“I’ll take crazy over stupid any day.”

– Joss Whedon

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

– George Carlin

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.”

–      Harlan Ellison

MANY MORE ARE IN THE BOOK

And it just gets worse

Louise Ogborn was 18 at the time while working at a McDonald’s in Mt. Washington, Kentucky. She was pretty with a knock-out figure and she worked hard, yet unfortunately she was not too bright. In April of 2004 David Stewart who pretending to be a detective, calls Louise’s boss Donna Summers (not the singer of Hot Stuff). He tells her that there has been a complaint filed against Louise where a customer claimed that money was stolen from her purse and that Louise was the culprit.

The make-believe detective orders Donna to take Louise into her office and have her searched. Donna, obviously not being the wisest cheeseburger at McDonald’s, followed David’s orders. She searched Louise’s purse and found nothing. Then she was told via cell phone to have Louise strip-searched. Reluctantly, Louise agreed because she was afraid of losing her job and being arrested for something she didn’t do. Again, Donna found nothing. Now let’s stop right here for a moment and think about this situation. Donna was the manager of the restaurant, which you’d figure one of such authority would have a smidgen of common sense. However, she believed the guy on the other end of the line was a detective and she figured that it was OK to ask one of her employees to strip. Just when she should have stopped and used her little brain and apologize for the inconvenience, more stupid hormones kicked in. Donna now made a management decision; she called her boyfriend Walter Nix and asked him to keep an eye on the pretty young – and now very naked Louise so she could get back to work.

Walter, who was an exterminator by trade, took on the task. After all, this was a better gig than looking at roaches. Walter continued taking cell phone orders from the phantom detective who asked Walter to have Louise do jumping jacks just in case she had some stolen items hidden in her “you-know-what”. Now, let’s stop again for a moment… by now Walter, Donna nor Louise had figured out that this was all a prank. What are the odds of three people under the same roof being so daft? And there is more. Louise ended up ************ – at the orders of the undetectable detective. Now let’s stop again for the moment. Louise was naked, Walter was having fun and Donna was serving Happy Meals to customers and between the three of them they continued to swallow David Stewart’s prank as if it was a Big Mac with cheese. How stupid can stupid be? The prank finally came to an end when Donna asked the maintenance man to take his turn watching naked, crying Louise. Thomas Simms the maintenance man immediately figured out there was something wrong with this picture… a crying naked teen, an imaginary detective and Nix who had just received a ************. It took a repair man to out think the three of them. OMG this is an amazing moronic story. Nearly three hours later Donna stuck to her story…”Duh, I thought it was a detective and was doing the right thing.” Louise said she was told by her parents to always obey adults. Nix said, “Oh no, I did something bad.” OMG… a bag of French fries has more sense than these three put together. Having said all this I honestly feel bad for Louise. I just don’t understand how anyone can be so naive. I find it inconceivable to think that the manager of one of the largest chain food restaurants on Planet Earth thought she was doing the right thing. There is a bit of light at the end of this tunnel. Donna was fired, Nix went to prison, Louise sued McDonald’s and was rewarded around $6 million (I’d do jumping jacks naked for that) and McDonald’s also had to pay $2.4 million in legal fees to the plaintiff’s lawyers.

“Stupidity isn’t punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop.”

–      Laurell K. Hamilton, The Laughing Corpse

“Life on the Wrong Planet” is available via Amazon Books and Amazon Kindle.