INDIANAPOLIS (AP) — Randy Bernard knows there are people who blame him for Dan Wheldon’s death, who say the IndyCar CEO pushed the series over the edge.

In the 24 hours after the two-time Indianapolis 500 winner was killed in a fiery 15-car accident in the season finale, Bernard wondered if perhaps all the hate mail accusing him of sacrificing safety for the show was right.

“The last week was probably the most horrific week of my life,” Bernard told The Associated Press in an exclusive interview.

It’s been open season on Bernard since the accident, and his silence all last week only intensified the scrutiny on his leadership of the open-wheel series.

Now, nine days later, Bernard is able to publicly talk about Wheldon and the day all his work toward building a spectacular finale went terribly wrong minutes into the race. He still becomes emotional about it, taking a deep breath in his office at IndyCar headquarters as he recalls the controversial decision to cancel the race.

“In tough times, that’s when you have to be focused,” Bernard said. “You have to lead, and I know this is a time I have to make sure I am going to be very decisive, very articulate and be a leader. In tough times is where you build your character; it’s not in good times.”

The second-year CEO was hired to revitalize the series despite no auto racing experience, and that’s contributing to blaming Bernard for creating the circumstances that led to Wheldon’s death.