By Melissa Martin

What critter ate the leaves off my pepper plants? I’m assuming it was the large rabbit I spied sitting in my garden and/or the five baby bunnies that dashed out of my flower bed. This is the first time ever that rabbits have chewed my garden plants. What are the odds? Extra pepper plants were plopped into the soil to make salsa at the end of the season. Urgh.  

But I need a few laughs to dissolve my frustration before I seek ways to solve the problem. The following corny bunny jokes were found on the internet: 

Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning. 

Why did the bunnies go on strike? Because they wanted a better celery. 

What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray. 

I’m smiling a little, but not laughing – because I have to buy more plants.  

Ahhh – the little bunnies are sooo cute, but my pepper harvest will taste sooo yummy.  

Rabbits do not like tomato plants, so no worries there. And my asparagus and cucumbers are grown in raised metal beds.  

I want the hairy munchers and crunchers to pack up and move. Not wanting to kill the fluffy critters, I went to find information. But I did think about the story told by a relative at a holiday dinner. He went rabbit-hunting with his father as a young lad and when they returned, he told his younger sister that he killed the Easter Bunny. She cried and he got in trouble.  

According to the Almanac, old-time remedies rely on spreading various products around the perimeter of the garden such as dried blood meal or human hair. Hmmm. My hubby is bald and I need my hair. Using chemicals is not my solution either. A few years ago, I talked my spouse into peeing in a cup so I could pour urinate down a mole hole – it didn’t work like the old farmer said it would.  

Rabbits sniff a lot, so I could sprinkle red pepper around the new plants. The following methods were also found on the internet: tuck dryer sheets in the dirt near plants; boil onion and garlic together to make a tea and pour around plants; and coyote urine is a powerful olfactory repellent – phew.  

We have used a baited cage to humanely catch opossums and groundhogs and transported them to a nearby forest. Can you catch a rabbit using a cage? Yes, according to YouTube videos.  

Murphy’s law states: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” 

So, I’m thinking a rabid raccoon will show up in the cage. Crikey – who wants to rumble with a growling raccoon? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, only one human has ever died from the raccoon strain of rabies and effective post-exposure treatment is available. That’s a relief!  

What did the skunk say when he went to church? Let us spray. A trapped skunk has the potential to become an odorous critter. Argh. Who wants to scuffle with a scrapy skunk? My grandmother used to tell a story about my aunt. When she was little, she rushed into the house carrying several furry creatures. “I found a bunch of kittens!” she yelled. No, she found a litter of baby skunks.  

How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit. 

Melissa Martin, Ph.D., is a syndicated opinion-editorial columnist. She lives in USA.