Domestic Violence is a pattern of behaviour used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Other terms for domestic violence include intimate partner violence, battering, relationship abuse, spousal abuse, or family violence.

It seems nearly every day we hear celebrities being victims or the culprits of domestic violence. Sports persons would seem to be the worst offenders and American Football players are at the top of the list.

And all this is recent. We hardly ever heard or read news stories of these persons being involved in it.

In our daily lives and here I highlight mine, in my 70 plus years I was aware of domestic violence, I even saw it and I even counseled a victim of it. There was never ever any such thing in my family and it was only after I was married I witnessed it first hand. A woman who lived down the road, and a friend of my ex-wife (we were living in Devon, England) would come running to our home crying and seeking protection. She would beg us not to call the police and it was left for me to deal with the drunken husband who would come knocking on our door asking if we had seen his wife. It was only after the third time when we had to call an ambulance from the head wounds he had inflicted on the poor woman that required 8 stitches after he beat her with a shoe, that she pressed charges. However she went back with him later.

Coming to the Cayman Islands and remarrying I would again witness it and I cannot say more.

None of these incidents and media coverage of similar crimes were common – until recently. So why has it seemingly increased?

I don’t think it has, well not to the proportion of incidents now being reported.

It is only in the last twelve years that it has been taken seriously as a criminal justice issue. Before that the vast majority of cases were brushed under the carpet with the refrain “it’s just a domestic”.

The following was taken from an article that was published four years ago so these horrifying statistics are worse:
Nearly 1 million women experience at least one incident of domestic abuse each year (2009/10 British Crime Survey data: http://rds.homeoffice.gov.uk/rds/pdfs10/hosb1210.pdf as reported in latest cross-government VAWG strategy http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/publications/crime/call-end-violence-women-girls/vawg-paper?view=Binary)
At least 750,000 children a year witness domestic violence (DoH, (2002) Women’s Mental Health : Into the Mainstream, accessed at: http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/+/www.dh.gov.uk/en/Consultations/Closedconsultations/DH_4075478 p.16)
Two women are killed each week by their partner or ex-partner (Womens Aid (March 2011) accessed at: http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1280)
54 per cent of women victims of serious sexual assault were assaulted by their partner or ex-partner (Stern, (2010) The Stern Review p.9 accessed at http://www.equalities.gov.uk/pdf/Stern_Review_of_Rape_Reporting_1FINAL.pdf )
Victims of domestic violence are more likely to experience repeat victimisation than victims of any other types of crime (British Crime Survey Reports)

I could never understand at first why the woman I just mentioned would continue to go back to her abusive husband. The answer was twofold, she actually believed she had done something wrong to justify her punishment and secondly, the most important reason, she had nowhere else to live and she needed that security.

With video cameras present everywhere, especially hotels, our media “stars” involved in domestic violence are being caught in the act and it makes great headlines for all of us to read and pass judgement.

I have just broached on domestic violence at our doors here and last month the Cayman Crises Centre sent out a Press Release:

“While we don’t always know the facts regarding every domestic violence case that appears in our local press, we feel it is important for people to understand why both women and men stay in abusive relationships and why they need our on-going support if they are to eventually find themselves lives free of violence and intimidation.

“One of the most difficult things to do is to withhold judgement. It is easy to judge someone and say, “Why doesn’t she just leave?” This question is often asked with a sense of hostility and disbelief because people have such a hard time believing that anyone, whether man or woman, would stay in an abusive relationship.

“After the well-publicised case of football star Ray Rice, who was caught on an elevator video punching his then-girlfriend, so hard in the head that she was knocked unconscious, there was a great deal of shock and horror, not only because of the brutality of the act, but because Janay Rice defended her partner and subsequently married him. People could not understand why she stayed and there was a significant amount of blame laid on her. To help people understand, domestic violence survivor Beverly Gooden started a Twitter campaign #WhyIStayed, which went viral, collecting more than 92,000 Tweets in a matter of hours.

“The stories are enlightening.

“It should be pointed out that men are victims of abuse as well and at the Cayman Islands Crisis Centre we believe that no person should be subject to abuse (be it physical, sexual, emotional, financial or psychological) in any relationship, regardless of gender and whether it be same sex or heterosexual partners. Although due to our size constraints, we are only able to provide housing for women and their children, we do have a 24-hour crisis line that does accept calls from men, women and children and we have educational outreach programmes that seek to prevent all violence.

“These are some of the reasons #WhyIStayed.

Fear/threat: Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. The abuser may threaten to hurt or kill the victim, her/his children, other family members, or even pets. He/she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against the victim, or report her/him to child services.
Embarrassment: Victims do not want to be known as victims. They may not want the world to know they have chosen a partner who is not as perfect as he/she appears to be in public. They may feel that they are responsible for the failure of the relationship. An abuser will do everything he can to make his victim feel badly about herself or that she is defective in some way. If the victim is convinced she is worthless and that no one else will want her, she is less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode someone’s self-esteem and make them feel powerless.
Low self-esteem: The victim believes she deserves the punishment, that it is her fault. She feels that she does not deserve any better. She has been brainwashed to believe that she cannot cope without him. She thinks if she can do or be better, the abuse will stop. Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behaviour on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on their victims: “If you weren’t so stupid, I wouldn’t have to hit you”.
Love: “I thought love could conquer all” Tweeted @bevtgooden. Victims hope it will change, that they can change their loved ones. He tells her he is sorry and that it was the last time it will ever happen. She wants the violence to stop, not the relationship to be over. Abusers are often charming and loving at other times in the relationship – women do not fall in love with ‘abusers’ they fall in love with the softer, tender persona that is present in between the bouts of violence.
Belief that abuse is normal: This will be true particularly if the victim grew up in an abusive home. The familiarity is comfortable. The world outside is unknown and terrifying.
Social/Peer pressure: This is true especially if the abuser is ‘popular’ or well-known in the community. “Who will believe me?” thinks the victim. “I will be rejected by my community”.
Cultural/Religious/Societal Acceptance reasons: Victims may be encouraged to stay in abusive relationships because divorce is viewed negatively and there is a degree of acceptance of domestic violence in society. Many of our clients are encouraged to return to abusive situations by their pastors/church and to forgive their violent partners. Our culture often places gender-role conditioning on women, teaching them that they must be passive and dependent upon men and that a woman’s value depends on her being in a relationship. She thinks she will be an ‘old maid” if she leaves or that leaving the relationship is to admit failure.
Children: She believes the kids need a father; that families are better with the parents together. She may also fear that he may take the children, or that the children will blame and resent her for breaking up the home.
Distrust of the police/judiciary: Thinking that she will not be believed or that the perpetrators always get away with it anyway.
Language barriers or immigration status: She would not have any ability to stay and work if she is an expatriate and is on her own. This is particularly relevant if the victim has Caymanian children.
Isolation: In order to increase dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will methodically cut off victims from the outside world. He/she may keep partners from seeing family or friends, or prevent them from going to work or school. The victim may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Sometimes family members will cut support “after what happened last time”, when a victim returned to his/her abuser.
Guilt: Victims may believe that their partner needs them, that they can help the abusers overcome their own childhood abuse issues.

“Statistically, one in four women (actually almost 28%) will be physically assaulted by a partner at some point in their lives and approximately 15% of men will be abused. It takes an average of seven times before a victim finally leaves her abusive partner for good. And, the most dangerous time for a woman is in the first week after she leaves. This is when the majority of domestic violence murders take place.

“Leslie Morgan Steiner, who came to Cayman in 2013 to talk about her own experience of successfully (and painfully) leaving an abusive relationship after her husband almost killed her, points out eloquently in her book Crazy Love:

‘“But why would anyone hurt the people who love them the most in the world? Why don’t therapists, researchers, police officers, judges, and legislators ask more questions about the abusers who perpetrate the terrible cycle of family violence? Without abusers, we’d have no abuse. I am 100 percent behind the efforts to help victims. But I believe long-term change will only come when the hard questions shift to the perpetrators, rather than the victims of family violence”.

“This is where we are at, right now. We need to have more open conversations with all of those stakeholders that Steiner mentioned. We need to be changing the conversation from one focusing on the victims and blaming them for what is happening, and moving it to a focus on abusers: what can be done to deconstruct the cycle of abuse, where they can get help and how we can achieve the long term goal of no family violence.

“If you or someone you know is being abused – whether psychologically, physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally – call our 24-hour confidential emergency hotline at 943-2422. We accept calls from everyone and can help you to find a path to a life free from violence.”

I make no apologies for publishing the whole of the release as part of this Editorial.

Maybe the statistics will actually start to come down and not because of domestic violence being not reported but because it is actually becoming less as the would-be perpetrators know it will not be tolerated. They will go to prison and they will be the social outcast and not the victim.