Opinion By Marksteel From Daily Mirror UK

Tories say they will cut taxes and sell off houses, so Mark Steel asks what recycled policies they will be promising next

One of the joys of this ­election campaign has been watching the Tories try out all their old hits.

They’re going to cut taxes and sell off houses, and next week they’ll open up a mine so they can close it the day after, then invade Suez, and replace gas bills with a Poll Tax so everyone pays the same amount for energy whether you live in a care home or you’re the Duke of Norfolk.

If there’s time they might torpedo the Isle of Wight Ferry in case it was planning to occupy the Falkland Islands.

One old winner they tried this week was a cut in inheritance tax that means “you can give a million pounds to your kids”.

This is marvellous news, and all you have to do to benefit from this change in the rules is to have a million pounds.

The reason not many of us have a million pounds, of course, is there’s never seemed much point in having it if you can’t give it your kids.

Then all those millions of pounds would just get in the way, as you screamed “I have to clamber over five million to get to the fridge.

If only I was allowed to give it to my kids I could create some space”.

This week they’re likely to come out with more handouts to prove, as Cameron claimed, they’re the “party of the workers”.

They’ll abolish VAT on drawbridges and give you a £50 grant towards the cost of shampooing your panda.

You’ll be allowed to take Beyonce on a bus for free if she’s singing at your birthday party and absolutely everyone will be free to register their submarine in the Cayman Islands to avoid capital gains tax.

Cameron promised changes to the tax rates before the last election as well, and to be fair he kept his promise.

Because having spent the campaign denying he would put up VAT to 20%, he then put it up to 20%.

We can all quibble about the up or down issue, but he definitely changed those tax rates so he kept his pledge.

That one change has cost the average family thousands of pounds, but now he’s promising to cut taxes for “ordinary” families again.

You can’t help admire this, as you’d applaud a burglar who robbed you every year, then said “vote for me and I promise to give you back your kettle”.

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And so they repeat their old favourites that served them so well in the past, such as selling off whatever they can find.

Fire stations will be sold to Costa Coffee, because why should we all pay for a fire service when most of us aren’t on fire?

Accident and Emergency units can be converted into flats, keeping the X-ray machine for the living room light as an original feature.

And lamp posts can be privatised, so you have to put 10p in a slot, then it gives out just enough light to get you to the next one.

Once that’s all in place, we can all enjoy the good life again.

IMAGES:
PA / Getty Cameron: What WILL he promise next
PA David Cameron Promises: David Cameron

For more on this story and video go to: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/one-general-election-joys-been-5539556